I still feel the blue,
I still feel lost,
I still feel the anxiety,
But unlike the old times, it doesn’t stay for long.
It’s been 2 months since I have been practicing Vipassana. It has changed my life a lot and I have shared my experiences with you in my previous posts. But today, I want to share some other experiences with you. Though they are not much shining but still their are some improvements in them. Before doing Vipassana, my emotions were always on the roller coaster ride. Sometimes, I felt the happiness and enthusiasm of life. I could feel the brightness of life. During such times, I was energetic and used to do lot of work and my productivity and creativity used to increase a lot. But then, there were times when this brightness was replaced by the darkness of life. I could feel the numbness of life. Those times were full of blues and all my creativity would go away. It felt like, I was robbed by some unknown force. I used to become sad, and all I did in those times was nothing. Just lying on the bed and praying to God to please give me back those happy times. When the darkness used to become too long then I tried to pull my strength together and restart my life. On an average, I used to restart my life twice in a month. For my friends and relatives, who could only see my successful work, which was the outcome of the happy days, I was a lucky child. But only I knew the curse I was born with. When life is like a roller coaster ride, the time you are on the top is ecstatic but when you go down, then it’s devastating, specially for the mind.
My life has been full of restarts. I never thought that I would ever have a normal, stable life like my other friends. Though their life is also not stable but better than me. Now it’s been two months and in these two months, I felt the blues twice. It does not mean that rest of the days I was in happy mode, but these were the blues because of which I used to restart my life. But this time, I did not restarted my life. There are several reasons for having such blues. Sometimes an empty head can also create such blue. But unlike the old times, these blues did not stay much longer. You may want to know how. In this post I am pouring my heart out and everything I am writing is to the point. Neither I am adding anything to make the experience magical nor I am subtracting anything to hide the bad.